darkshriner

Ok so I signed up for this stupid online rpg war gaming thing that recruits soliders/officers by people clicking on the link. Wheeeeeee, now that doesn't sound like a scam at all.

so despite my better judgement here's the link

http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=r9gtksjb

now I can build my army and take over a meaningless imaginary world!
Mwahaaa hhaaaaa haaa!

Ok so here I am, and I'm back from the bar. Let me tell you it was one hell of of journey home. I spent most of the way here trying to figure out what the hell I'ld say when I got here and to be honest I still have no idea where to start.

Well to start off I could say how fucking amazing it was to actual let go for once, this was the first time in almost 6 years that I danced, not since the last time my heart got broke. It used to mean so much to me to dance, dance like no one was watching, not even with someone, but dance just because you could hear the music and it made you move. There's no way to explain how much that means( it doesn't help that itunes (wow I cant believe that my spell check accepts itunes) just switched to Tom jones and the green green grass of home), but being able to dance used to be a part of who I was, and one day, (I still remember the last time) it just died, and took a part of me with it. The point is some part of me is alive again and I'm not sure how. Now I'm not gonna pretend that I was ever a good dancer, far from it in fact, but being able to let go and feel that free again........I'm not sure there are words for it.
So I start walk home, out the door of the bar and manage to say goodnight to Rusty and Des and Eric and a few other people, an d the first thing I notice is that the streets are wet with rain adn I can't help but wonder how much of the outside world I missed while I was inside killing brain cells, but soon my feet hit the sidewalk on the other side of the road, and I I'm over come by the need to piss and so I find a tree by a bus stop conveniently located next to a bus stop and tend to natures more basic requirements. And I stumble on, a chain link fence brushing my fingers as I try to make it to the next corner, and all the while the events of the night stack up demanding priority in what I want to right about (that's somewhat intentional for those who disparage my righting skills) And in the midst of all the turmoil of emotion that washes over my drunken state of mind, the only thing I can think of is that I DANCED, it took some motivation and assistance from my companions, but in the end I was alone with the sound and that's all I cared about. Jimmy page and Billy Idol.. . overcoming all my insecurities and letting go for the first time in years.

Damn there's just too much to cram in, like how as I crossed Taylor Drive behind that Vat, and someone had cleaned up the mess left by some homeless person I never saw, whose shopping cart and cardboard box tent were so ominously absent from the edge of the tree-line where I usually cut through on my almost daily short cut home. Someone had gone through a great deal of effort to erase the only sign this ambiguous person had left and here I was reveling in the fact that there was still something left of me. It's hard to be honest about the woman who broke my heart, and how much I love my wife, and how much I wish I could find that I could find that part of me that could have my heart broken again. There is a tragedy in knowing that I have everything I could ever want in the relationship I have, and knwoing that I risk nothing of myself because that part of me that could lose is already dead. Some how tonight helped give me some of that back, it put what I value at risk, and gave it a meaning I've been struggling to find for years. The flipside is that for the first time I've honestly had to deal with that risk, even if only on a an intellectual level. It's quite disturbing to realize that life that lets me feel the needed components to maintain the environment I've chosen is mutually exclusive to that same habitat.

And in the midst of all this angst and inner turmoil I can finally be free. My heart is broken....it always will be, but it still works damn it, and is more capable of being whole. There will always be that tear in my eye, that stitch in my voice when I talk about where I used to be, and will always long to be, but what I have is greater and in time I will come to embrace that. Yes I'm fucked up, yes I'm drunk, you know I don't even care that someone is reading this, in the end It comes down to fact that tonight I Danced, I mean that with a capital 'D' and if you've never spent so long waiting for that moment there's no way to let you know what that really means.

SO much for my drunken ramblings....this was supposed to be a much more entertaining but what the hell, in the end that's the advantage of these 'blogs have, being able to vent to the world with all the security that the anonyminity* of being another ant in the hill can bring. I was supposed to make a political statement tonight but what the hell......so much for the p0lans of mice and men


so long and thanks for all the fish.....

Well I'm here, it's been an odd couple of weeks. To fill you in point form I've started part time work back being a corporate whore because A: I need the money and B: this is one of the few jobs I've ever had where the I actually like the people I work with, even though the pay semi-sucks it's a rare thing to work with such a large group of people that don't drive you fucking nuts. Don't get me wrong, none of them are perfect, and I'll bitch and complain about some of them on a regular basis, but when push comes to shove I know these are people who are worth going the extra mile for and they'll do right by me too. The pay issue alawys bugs me I'ld be making more money if I went to anybody else with the background I have, but making choices based purely on the $ sign always seem to go wrong somehow.

Well enough of that, I'm about running out of steam and only have a couple of things that I want to say before I fall down... It's been good to get back in public again, I've managed to see more of people I care about in the last two months than I have in the last two years, simply by giving my self this one night a week. I've even got to get to know some people better that I've always wanted to but never have been able to before. So thanks to Trev and Dan and Des and Angie and Rusty and Conrad and Alisha and Jen and well that's about all I can wrap my noodle around for now..

don't for get to tip your bar staff generously and see you next week...

Ok so here I am at 3:00 in the morning, half-assed drunk too damned worried about punctuation and grammer to be very effective at actually getting things down, but what the hell. So let me at least explain what this is all about: recently I've found I've been able to express my self again, the thought of being able to write and acomplish something beyond wasting papre and graphite has filled me with more angst than it should, therefore the only solution is to subject my self to the scrutiny of the outside world and hope to hell that something positive results. Now don't you dare expect anything to actual come from this, like I said I'm half drunk, but I've recently re-established my connections with the outside world and in the last two weeks I've stumbled across way too many old friends and have heard the expression "Have you read my blog?" too many times to ignore. The point to this whole exercise is that maybe every wednesday when I go about my alcohol fueled night, is that maybe I'll be relaxed enough to actually say what's on my mind, confess a dark secret or two, let off a little intellectual steam that keeps me from having a stroke 10 years down the road, I intend on being honest, brutal and I don't want to spare myself any misery in the process. You comments are welcome but don't expect me to hang on every revelation that you care to subject me to, This is my rant and my exercise, I will considder your words but some part of me has the audacity to believe I don't need your aproval. So moving along, even though the effort of setting up this account has cost me dearly, I'll take a stab at telling you where I'm at..Oh and just for sh*ts and giggles I'll avoid spell checking just to give it that extra 'edge'